My mom always said I looked like a lizard and stank like salmon that rotted. That woman may have been a bitch but she appreciated alliteration.

Before he died, my dad must have been really tall. By nine, I was looking down at her. She didn't seem too fazed. Like any decent short boxer, she just put a little more into it when whacking my face.

She always used the cheapest babysitters. One, Melissa, used to have guys over and tell them I was a pervert who would one day rape her. She said my eyes gave me away. Some of the guys smacked me around; one jammed a pen in my ear.

By the way, do you like this suit? If you’re nodding, you’re not seeing too well. It’s just a blue blazer and some slightly darker pants. Last night I realized I didn't own a suit. You know that tightness in your chest, the kind where you feel like you may never breathe again? Well, I had that for a minute. Then I thought about it in a larger context and finished my cheeseburger.

Whoever the idiot was that married my mother a few years ago must have left her a fortune. Look at that coffin! I just got into town and am now even more curious to see what she left me in her will. Ha, probably directions to go fuck myself.

I’m still stunned at the turn-out here. Why are you people taking time out of your day for this? Who are you?

Well, you drove out here with your lights on so I’ll tell you something you probably didn't know. My mom was raped last year. Some young guy broke in on a Sunday afternoon. He licked her neck a lot. He smelled like eggs and called her "Estelle Getty". Afterward, he tied her arm to the bedpost and then watched TV in the living room. Then he came in for seconds, untied her, and said "bye". She told me he looked about 25.

It’s weird but I thought I’d have trouble telling that story. I thought my voice would be squeaky and I’d be taking all sorts of awkward pauses. But look, I actually had no problem discussing how my 79-year-old mom was sodomized. Oh, had I not mentioned that? For you guys out there, and some of you look pretty old, would you enjoy sticking it in the ass of a 79-year-old? That's just a big bowl of wrong stew!

Can you people even hear what I’m saying? Are your hearing aids working? Ha, that guy’s must be because he looks on the verge of taking a swing. Come on, Gramps, I’d love to help you get a new hip.


Well, now most of you are getting up so I guess this is as good a time as any to finish my first and last eulogy. They say to go out strong. That night, she called from the hospital and asked me to come stay with her for awhile. She was crying and saying that she had no one left, that both her husbands were dead, that she needed her baby to come through. Despite everything that woman did to me, I choked up listening to her beg. Before thinking about it, I announced I’d be on the first plane. She cried harder and said how much she appreciated it and how she had found God and wanted to make things up to me. "God Bless you," she said as we were about to hang up. I was looking in the mirror when she said that. I studied my face and asked if she remembered always saying I looked like a lizard. She paused and then said she hadn't heard me. She didn't ask me to repeat myself. I said it didn't matter, I’d be on the first plane. I told her I was already looking up flights online. I was laughing when I said those things, but quietly, so she would be waiting. Then I drank a lot of beer and watched TV all night, feeling better than I had in a long time.