Q: Would you say the narrator is a fictional character or an extension of yourself? A: "Kittens in The Boiler" is an autobiography of sorts, but I haven't killed the retarded Flemish cook yet. My best friend is an illiterate rentboy. My dodgy neighbour is a crossbow-wielding psychopath, and I do spend lots of time in his living room, and in other rooms. I used to give head to Flemish plumbers for money. I pleasure minging Russian hobos for free. I do stalk people, and I do occasionally cut myself. I'm not strictly an orphan, my father is a venomous north French busker, my mother used to break chairs and Edwardian commodes on my puny body, and she once stabbed me in the belly with a potato peeler cos I'd told her that she reeked of wet labradors and tainted lamb chops (she did!!). My grandparents were malicious. The nightnurse did force himself upon me, many times. Q: Who is the real Delphine? A: I am for real, I've tried very hard not to lie in my stories, of course I had to exaggerate and make up a few johns. Actually I got carried away and made up quite a lot, but there's absolutely no difference between me and the narrator of my stories. I've been terribly truthful. Q: What kind of people do you think are going to like this book the most? A: Middle-aged Hawaiian writers of sci-fi stories, corporate Sheffielder middle class geezers, overweight goths, Welsh crime writers, kinky nightnurses, Biffy Clyro fans, Canadian milk bottle stackers, yankees, prim north French librarians. Q: Do you have any formal writing education? A: I don't have any formal writing education. I don't have any formal education. I've always read a lot on rooftops, and in the waiting rooms of disused stations but when I read "Tropic of Cancer" I thought: 'You should just gleefully dash down little anecdotes about your cock-eyed friends and johns, and take it from there... go on, try it, what have you got to lose, miserable tart?! Take a chance, you stupid whore etc etc'. Q: How long have you been writing for? A: I wrote my first short ENGLISH story on the 2nd March of 2004. Before that fortunate day I roamed a lot and wrote dreadful poems in dreadful Dutch, in dreadful French, and in dreadful English. But when I finally started writing properly and truthfully, I never stopped, and I sent my stories to thousands of zines (e- and maga-), and I got rejected by 79992 editors, and adopted by eight. Q: Any special significance to the title of the book by the way? A: Well, my favourite Flemish john was rather poor, he lived in a bedsit that had a boiler bigger than a bed in the middle of the room, the boiler made a hell of a racket, and it would always smother his groans and shrieks, but the noise coming out of that boiler during the sex wasn't very comforting at all: it sounded like all the kittens in the world were being lashed and bashed and eventually drowned in there, but it was only during the sex that the boiler made those particular noises, after the sex it always sounded like five ruthless Rumanian rentboys were kicking an old blind mutt to death in there. Q: Any advice for aspiring scribes? A: Don't plagiarise, love yer slang, put spaces after yer commas, don't talk the walk, walk it first, or watch a documentary, be real rather than tough, be spiteful rather than sweet, be prolific, don't be scared of garrulous rodents, don't take anyone's advice. Q: In the movie, who's going to play the Kitten? A: "Kittens in the Boiler", the movie, starring: Gene Hackman for the dodgy neighbour part, Elijah Wood for the Wee Andy part, Billy Bob Thornton for the supermarket butcher part, Jude Law for the kinky nightnurse part, a much younger Sophie Marceau for the Delphine part, maybe Christopher (the ill rentboy) and the retarded Flemish cook could play themselves? Q: I write to Scott Walker...what music do you write to? A: I write to Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds, I write to Pulp (the Sheffielder band, not the genre), I write to the Super Furry Animals, I write to the Manic Street Preachers, I write to Ian Brown, I write to the Cooper Temple Clause (over here they're not obscure), I write to Richard Hawley, I mostly write to singer/songwriters, but I'm finding it impossible to write to Leonard Cohen, his voice makes me all warm and restless inside. Q: A lot of your story titles have music references in them. Who are your musical influences, and how big a part do they play in your writing? A: Leonard Cohen has been a massive influence on my wit, Morrissey has been a massive influence on my gloom, Oasis have been a massive influence on my arrogance, the Manic Street Preachers have saved me, so I often refer to them (and to their songs, obviously) in my stories, I think it's only fair that I should pay tribute to them. I'll always be in debt to Roddy Woomble (Idlewild), his pedantic diary entries encouraged me to write more, and better, mind, I love 'hope is important', but 'the remote part' is fucking atrocious, you're not Philip Larkin, get over it already. Q: What are you doing to get the word out about it? Are you doing any signings? Nicholas Sparks turned "A Walk to Remember" into a bestseller just by touring relentlessly. A: I'm touring this drab inhospital coastal town relentlessly, many people have promised me to buy a copy of "Kittens in the Boiler". Once I have copies myself I'll be sending them to Belgian magazines, and to French magazines. I probably won't be touring relentlessly, I need to focus on my second book, and also: I'm quite shy. Q: Delphine do you get a lot of perverts emailing you? And if you are tell us what they are saying. A: I get lots of emails from perverts, they say they want to meet me and ask me if I'll wear my catholic school girl uniform, I tell them I'm willing to meet and fuck them, but I'm not wearing my catholic school girl uniform, that's where I draw the line. I've met and shagged a whole lot of editors, actually just three, they said that my writing skills are better than my cocksucking skills, I don't remember them going down, tsk. I am constantly honing my cocksucking as well as my writing skills, I'm amazing at both, take my word for it. Q: Why is it I never get the sexy kinky nightnurse? A: You'll find lots of kinky nightnurses at the nuthouse, it's very easy to get into a nuthouse, you just have to walk around barefoot, snort sand off windowsills, and slag off jesus in russian, before you know it you're in an immaculate hospital bed, before you know it it's not that immaculate anymore. At least that's how I did it. I have to warn you all though: it's bloody hard to get out of a nuthouse. Q: English isn't your first language? How many languages do you speak and write in? A: No, English isn't my first language. I have three languages: Dutch, French, and English. I couldn't write a decent story in Dutch to save myself. Q: I hope this isn't an inappropriate question to ask, but it seems like a good place for some sex advice. I could always ask somebody like Dan Savage, but it would probably take a long time to get an answer. I'm only asking because of your stated affinity for fellatio. So here's my question. Every time my girlfriend tries to swallow my cum, she gags, and it ends up going all over the place. It's got so bad that she says she won't do it any more. Is there maybe some special trick she can do where it wouldn't be such a problem, where she wouldn't gag as much, and we can get back to things the way I like them best? A: Let's be frank on this subject: sucking a cock isn't always appetizing, and I'm not a big fan of cum, but gagging is unforgivable. They say that spunk will taste better if you change your eating habits, but that's bollocks. When I was fourteen a very endearing maths teacher broke my heart and went back to his spiteful alcoholic wife and his six fat ungrateful kids because I couldn't bring myself to swallow his cum, he was very patient, but every time I failed to drink it, it was very thick and bitter, so he left me, and that was the last time I gagged. There really are no tricks, your girlfriend could anaesthetize her tongue with bourbon? or plaster her palate with chocolate? Swallowing cum graciously is not easy, but once she's got the knack of it, she'll find that it's very rewarding and strangely satisfying.